


Riptide

by cloudypaws



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Anorexia, Bulimia, Childhood Trauma, Daisy Johnson is Not Okay, Eating Disorders, Gen, Heavy Angst, Skye | Daisy Johnson Needs a Hug, Skye | Daisy Johnson-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-24
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:42:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28280091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cloudypaws/pseuds/cloudypaws
Summary: It's Mary Sue Poots trying to stand on her own two feet but the ship keeps getting tossed in the waves, ripping the floor out from under her and suddenly she's holding on for dear life and yearning all over again for some solid ground.It's getting caught in the riptide but not realizing that the grand ship you think you have is just a little defenseless raft until you're in over your head.
Relationships: Melinda May & Skye | Daisy Johnson, Phil Coulson & Melinda May & Skye | Daisy Johnson
Comments: 7
Kudos: 78





	Riptide

**Author's Note:**

> MAJOR trigger warning for eating disorders. If you're triggered by disordered eating at all, PLEASE I'm begging you don't read this. 
> 
> Among the fluffy, heartwarming Christmas themed fics where Alya has her first Christmas or Dousy wraps presents together, here's this monstrosity. (I'm supposed to be working on Control right now, alas I'm here instead. I quite literally wrote this in an hour - I had the idea and apparently marathoned with it. Actually I'm also workshopping this idea potentially because I'm going to eventually work a similar idea into Control at some point shh don't say anything-) 
> 
> I'd also like to point out that it's equally as important to acknowledge that guys suffer from ED as well, it's not just girls. I focus a lot on "the other girls" in this fic bc *honestly* I'm drawing from some of my own experiences and a lot of the descriptions of middle/high school are from my own memory. 
> 
> Last chance to turn back if you're triggered by disordered eating AT ALL. 
> 
> Please.

Mary Sue Poots is constantly being uprooted, drifting across New England like wood in the ocean, taken wherever the tide decides she will go next. She's plucked from one home and plopped down in the next without warning. No one asks _her_ if she's happy here or there, no one asks _her_ if she wants to stay or go. They simply scoop her up and drop her in the next home and tell her that she should be _grateful_ that this family is taking her in out of the goodness of their hearts and providing her with a roof and some food and water and a bed, even though that's what _they_ signed up for.

It's Mary Sue Poots trying to stand on her own two feet but the ship keeps getting tossed in the waves, ripping the floor out from under her and suddenly she's holding on for dear life and yearning all over again for some solid ground.

And she's not surprised, per se, when it happens again. She's not surprised because she's used to it, but it still manages to sting every single time. It always ends up the same and it's always her fault - she's a problem child, she's broken, she's bad, she's never a good fit. She's not a good student, she's got behavioral issues, she's violent, she's ill-tempered, she doesn't get along with the rest of the family. There's no mention of how the family treats her because she's the problem.

Because there's something wrong with her that she needs to fix.

And it's Mary Sue Poots staring out the window late at night, watching the stars while she tries to solve the puzzle.

As Mary Sue Poots enters the early teenage years, she decides to shed the name she's never quite fit into and leave behind the scared, sad, lost little girl, and she becomes Skye, and maybe Skye will find the answer.

And as Skye enters middle school - as Skye works her way through five different middle schools - she's surprised to find that the game has changed. The rules are different. Middle schoolers have a little more freedom - no more hand holding and a little more responsibility. They hang out in the halls after school and gossip by their lockers and they whisper to each other about who's hot and and who's dating who. They don't want to play dodgeball or trade their Goldfish for Teddy Grahams, they want to be pretty and stay skinny.

It's Skye noticing that the other girls in the gym locker rooms turn sideways in the mirror before they leave. It's watching the girls toss untouched slices of cafeteria pizza in the garbage. It's hearing them talk about thigh gaps and collar bones and jawlines, it's no carbs and no sweets and low fat.

And Skye's always been a slender kid, but these girls place so much value in their appearance, in normalized starvation, it's _baffling_. Skye's used to families that will send you to bed without dinner if you're bad, but here, not eating is considered _good_. Heather boasts that she eats salad without dressing, she likes it better that way. Talia sighs and says that her family had spaghetti for dinner last night and she feels so bloated and gross. Carly comes back after being out with the flu and says she dropped, like, five pounds from eating nothing but soup and green tea with honey for a week, and the other girls _praise_ her for it.

It's Skye seeing that the world likes you more if you're skinny. It's Skye going home and lifting her shirt in the bathroom mirror and poking at her stomach, actually _looking_ at it for the first time and wondering if _she's_ thin enough.

It's Skye realizing as she's plucked from that middle school and placed in a new one mid-year that while she can't control her circumstances, she _can_ control one thing at least.

And she enters high school and right away it's all the same but they're not talking about it as much. They don't talk about it nearly at _all_. The girls skip breakfast and come in drinking coffee instead, they play sports and take AP classes and forget to eat because they've been so busy. They don't gossip as much as they do in middle school, but Skye doesn't miss little comments about how Johanna feels fat for eating a donut or Sarah envies Bree's metabolism or Larissa got up at 4 am so she could go for a two mile run before school.

It's Skye waking up an hour earlier to do abs before school. It's Skye deciding she doesn't want to eat junk food anymore.

And Skye doesn't stick around for long. She makes it through sophomore year - and three different high schools - and decides she's done. She's had enough of adults telling her where to go and what to do. She's sick of the girls and their gossip and their drama and she's sick of being the dumb kid in the back of math class and she's sick of being everyone's problem, so she leaves and never looks back.

Skye doesn't stop drifting, but this time it's _her_ tide. _She's_ the captain of this ship and she likes it that way. She hacks her way to a license and a van and the Rising Tide sweeps her up in its current at some point in her teen years and brings her along in its undertow and she doesn't fight the sea, instead she lets herself float along. She can find _answers_ with the Rising Tide. She refines her methods and improves at cracking systems and hell, she's becoming a real asset for them.

And she might not know where she comes from yet and she might not have as much control over her situation as she's told herself she does but at least she can track her calories - it's easier when there's no eyes on you and you can make your own decisions.

It's getting caught in the riptide but not realizing that the grand ship you think you have is just a little defenseless raft until you're in over your head. 

It's Skye and the gentle hum of her van and the numbers in her head - 1,200, 950, 800, 700, 600, 500-

And the years roll by and she's nowhere closer to finding where she came from or where she belongs or what's wrong with her, until those men in black suits that she's so steadfastly against swoop in and snatch her up and suddenly she's in SHIELD surrounded by people who maybe aren't so scary after all.

Coulson and Fitz and Simmons and Ward and May.

And she's happy. These people care about her and even though she's 30,000 feet off the ground she's standing with more stability than ever before, and she finds herself genuinely kind of happy. And the missions give her brain something to focus on and the workouts Ward has her doing are intense and she finds herself _starving_ so she eats to stop the brain fog and help her focus, and she eats to keep her energy up so she can get stronger and prove to the team that she _wants_ this.

When Ward betrays them, she's heartbroken. She's furious. The ground is ripped from beneath her feet and she's falling again and everything she's become so accustomed to in these past few months is thrown upside down and though she knows deep down it's her trauma internalizing his betrayal, she's suddenly Mary Sue Poots again, it's _her_ fault, she's a _problem_ that needs _fixing_.

And it's Skye with a knot in her stomach as she tells Coulson she already ate. It's May's eyes burning straight into her soul, catching her in the lie, telling her that even though she's upset she still needs to eat, she still needs her strength.

It's Skye realizing she has to play along, it's Skye not wanting them to worry about her, it's Skye sitting down at the table with them and letting white bread smothered in fatty butter and melty, gooey, salty cheese enter her mouth and land in her stomach.

And later it's her finger in the back of her throat and the burning and the grilled cheese bubbling up and out and now it's gone and no one's the wiser.

May wants to be her new SO now that Ward is gone. Skye's overjoyed - the strongest, most amazing woman she knows wants to train _her_ , and she wants nothing more than to make May proud of her and to be _just like May._

Skye's fighting again. She wants to do it right this time, she wants to throw away her tendencies because it's not good for her, she hates the counting and she hates being so tired and cold and hungry all the time. She wants to be strong and muscular and the badass that May thinks she can be, she wants to be an asset to the team and to do that she needs to be focused, she can't be fighting her own mind all the time anymore.

But May hands her a watch. It tracks her heart rate, and May tells her it's to help her control her emotions and not get too worked up - to keep her levelheaded in the field, _like her_.

It tracks calories burned, too.

And Skye trains with May and goes on missions and hangs out in the lab with Fitz-Simmons and plays video games with Trip. She misses Coulson when he leaves and is overjoyed when he returns. She falls into a routine and she's happy.

All the while, it's calories in minus calories out.

It's the smile on her lips as she laughs at something Fitz said, cutting a piece of her chicken and cutting it in half and in half again. It's shaking her leg under the table as Simmons makes a smart remark in response to his joke, it's May's eyes flitting over to her and down to her plate at all the tiny pieces she's cut. It's watching the food on everyone else's plates slowly disappearing, it's only taking small bites when Simmons takes a bite, it's finishing the veggies first and then some of the protein and then moving the carb around and cutting it small and making it _look_ touched.

It's scraping the sweet potatoes in the garbage, it's declaring she's _stuffed_ when Fitz pulls out the ice cream, it's post-dinner workouts because _calories in, calories out_.

No one notices.

(May does, she's onto her and Skye's gotta be more careful next time-)

May starts preparing her breakfast after tai chi. May says _food is fuel, we need calories and carbs for energy so our bodies don't try to burn muscle for energy instead_. May watches Skye pick around her bowl of oatmeal with fruit and insists that she finish, because it has all the energy she needs.

It's the rapid beating of her heart in her chest as Skye wonders how many grams of oats, what kind of milk, how much banana, how much _peanut butter_ -

It's heading to the bathroom and the guilt humming in her ears because she's too much of a coward to keep it down.

It's keeping an eye on the increasing number on her watch as she spars with May.

It's brain fog and blurring vision and black spots and whirling-

It's hitting her head on the matted gym floor.

It's the ship finally tipping, the raft falling apart, the waves swallowing you whole.

It’s drowning.

Skye wakes up and she's scared.

She looks over, and Coulson and May and Fitz and Simmons are _even more scared_.

And suddenly it's anemia and low blood sugar and decreasing blood pressure and osteoporosis and _she could have fallen into a coma at any point in time she could have a heart attack out of the blue she could_ die _-_

And it's Coulson with his brows pulled together and his eyes swimming in tears and his lip quivering as he murmured _I should have been here more_ -

And it's May with the corners of her lips ticked downward and her jaw tight as she utters that _I saw the signs, I should have tried harder-_

And it's Fitz, unable to look her in the eye, biting the inside of his cheek and drawing a shaky breath as he pleads _I can't watch you kill yourself like this_ -

And it's Simmons, forcing her voice to steady as she explains how it's gonna be going forward, how to fix her eating habits-

-and it's Skye shaking her head and saying it's fine, _I'm fine, I have it under control, it's no big deal, please, let me_ -

And it's Simmons, the facade breaking down and tears running down her cheeks as she looks her sister in the eye and whispers _Skye, please.._.

It's May sitting at the table with her, making sure she cleans her plate and watching her like a hawk for the hours following.

It's Coulson holding her tight as she cries over cheese.

It's constant worry etched on Fitz's face as he asks if she's okay.

It's Simmons holding her breath as she hopes that maybe this time Skye's vitals will be normal again.

It's good days and bad days, fear foods and safe foods, and shit it's _hard_.

But she's Daisy Johnson, agent of SHIELD, and she's strong and she's brave and she knows she'll always have her family by her side.

**Author's Note:**

> Reminder that I love you and I'm so happy you're alive. Take care of yourself. You're important.


End file.
